yes i am alright

hi:

i am fine! i am happy!

i am learning about periaqueductal grey areas and international health and the principles of form and the technological reconstruction of the female body.

i am walking along the sparkly shores and sitting in the sun on the sundeck and dancing and tomorrow i'm going to hot yoga and unitarian club.

and i am a very privileged human being. thanks- really.


ps- i'm inspired again. what does that even mean? i don't know. i see pictures now, things i made up in my mind. things i can put on paper if i want to and i expect they might be beautiful and if not beautiful they would at least be unique and that is enough. and whether or not i put them on paper isn't really that important because they are making me feel spirited and that is what art is meant to do. at least, i think so.

Victoria

Oh goodness.

Victoria today, saw our place. It feels like the most perfect house in the world.

Negotiating rooms was a little tricky, just because they all seemed absolutely perfect in their own way. But after a few minutes of letting our options settle, we did it. There is the subtly boy room, the window-bed smaller room, and the airy floral room (which I chose.)
My room is one of the two bigger ones, which means I pay a little more. It has two huge windows, looking out into the backyard that is rocky and wild and ohsonatural. I have a feeling that the deer problem will be more of a pleasant wildlife experience for me!

The room itself is mostly a pure white, with white and light brown wooden accents and floral curtains. It feels so fresh, you know? Like it couldn't feel cluttered even if I tried.

I'm seeing this whole experience as being new. Because although I've done Victoria before and it was disappointing to me, this is not the same as last year. Different people, different classes, different situation.
I'm going to go and be as pure as I can. The past can't possibly impact this year negatively, because it taught me so much about myself and what I DO want. Now I just have to make choices that create that. Which I am already doing in every moment, so I trust myself.

So when I move to that beautiful house covered in trees and sun and artwork on the 4th, I am going to take only what I need. I am going to go and just see where life takes me.

I just wish I wasn't so damn excited,
because I have another two weeks of Abbotsford to enjoy.

Day off? More like how much useless shit can I fit into one day

What is on your bed right now? Far too many pillows and stuffed animals.

When was the last time you threw up? I literally have not thrown up since I was nine. Amazing, right?

What's your favorite word or phrase? "I love you"

Name 3 people who made you smile today? My mom, my dad, the lead actor from the British version of The Office

What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Getting ready to get out of bed.

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? Playing Scrabble with the 'rents. And winning.

What is your favorite holiday? I love camping, and cultural experiences :)

Have you ever been to another country? England, Scotland, Mexico, US, Portugal, Spain!

What is the last thing you said aloud? Don't remember.

What is the best ice cream flavor? Ooh. Coconut. Or chocolate chip mint. Or green tea.

What was the last thing you had to drink? h20

What are you wearing right now? Yoga pants, purple t, green hoodie

What was the last thing you ate? Ice cream

Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Sexy red dress, baby!

When was the last time you ran? Around the track at the gym

What's the last sporting event you watched? None

If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Morocco

Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace? Boca

Ever go camping? Yeah, baby!

Do you have a tan? No

Have you ever lost anything down a toilet? No

What is your guilty pleasure? Popping pimples. Hahah, disgusting but true.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer alot? Yes. :)

Do you drink your soda from a straw? If there's one available.

What did your last text message say? "Awesome! Thanks for calling."

Are you someone's best friend? Yes I am!

What are you doing tomorrow? Possibly chilling with an amiga+tennis, working at the chiropractor's office, having a family dinner.

Where is your mom right now? Downstairs washing dishes

Look to your left, what do you see? A poster that says "Listen from within, your heart knows the way"

What color is your watch? A nice leathery brown with a delicate gold face. I love my watch.

What do you think of when you think of Australia? Roos.

Ever ridden on a roller coaster? Yes

What is your birthstone? Peridot.

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive tthru? Go in.

Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate? Hate is a very strong word. There's someone I dislike. Maybe a couple people.

Do you have a dog? Nay

Last person you talked to on the phone? Rahel from work.

Any plans today? Bed!

Are you happy? I am!

Where are you right now? In my bedroom.

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? I haven't won the lottery yet.

Last song listened to? I'm listening to booty rap atm thanks.

Last movie you saw? Um, Julie and Julia.

Are you allergic to anything? Nay!

Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Ooh. Um. My brown ankle boots.

Are you jealous of anyone? Not really. Everyone has their own story. This is mine, and I like it just fine.

Are you married? Not yet ;)

Is anyone jealous of you? No idea.

Do any of your friends have children? Not close friends.

Do you eat healthy? Yup:)

What do you usually do during the day? Work at Saje or Chiropractic clinic, chill with friends/love of life/ parents. Go to the gym. Cook/bake. Write/read.

Do you hate anyone right now? Nay

Do you use the word 'hello' daily? That's a nonsense question.

How many kids do you want when you're older? 3

How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 20! Holy cow. That's insane! Well, I did only turn 19 6 days ago. Don't need to think about 20 yet.

Hey !

Hey !you!
Do you
see?

See:
When I write see, I actually mean
Feel, sense, smell, taste, love, create,
respond, intuit, experience,
break.
do you break? when you see
the orange sun descending on the
purple sea sky do you break?
do you take time to release the firm grip you have on your
strangled heart,
and do your stony cement eyebrows lift and
reveal sparkling wide eyes?
Oh, my darling, I pray that you break.
It is not bad being broken,
I promise! us broken types
have no lifeboats left,
and so we cling to nothing and may
float freely beneath the raging
storm-waves.
we are not 'dead', per se,
we are born again into our soft warm bodies, and live
with no fears;
we have vision clear.

I am sorry that you require spectacles,
my love,
but I believe that your
blurry vision is clear
and real and created just for you.
You are not a victim broken!
When you realize this you will
break
be broken
sigh,
and finally,

you will see.

Musings

I am nothing at all:
I do not really have anything to say, and when
I do say something it is either a.
Meaningless, or b. somebody else has
already said it better than me.
Is it true
Is it true
Is it true?
It is true, and
I am not as thoughtful, interesting, intelligent,
as I always hoped I would find out I was. In fact,

I am a person, like you: and
if I say something that
makes your heart feel like it belongs in this world and is cared for,
you might laugh
later, with your bright-eyed children running around;
and they will have a happy day.
And then there is a little dot of happy on the earth.
And so, you and I are
meaningless, but not
quite enough
to
lose
momentum.

carving a space

when my heart is freshly manicured like this, i must take a pause.




i must remember not to worry, 'you are beautiful' even though you are occasionally stubborn and funny looking and needing to be right and not taking advice well.

i must remember that sadness is really rather silly if you can sing along anyway and see that you're being a dramaqueen in your own little soap opera life.

i must remember that life isn't figuring about figuring out what job, career, education i need to get; even though everybody treats it that way.

hahah sweet, yeah, it's chiiilll. the important thing is that i read plenty of girly books and doodle and write poems and do sudoku puzzles and go for jaunts in the sun. sing and have solo dance parties and make picnics and do yoga and drink tea frequently.

but i already know and do these things, so writing it is silly but i like the confirmation. it means that i can close up my laptop and go fall asleep in my cushionbed and wake up early tomorrow and eat waffles and draw pictures.

maybe someone is reading this - please know you are lovely, and you deserve to live as if you are lovely.

Funny how the moment goes back to forever;

just as if it was waiting for you to figure out that it's been that way all along.